The Roses

Rose 1

I’ve always thought I wouldn’t live long. Primarily, because I’ve always known that living for my self wouldn’t ever be enough. Somehow or for some reason I’ve always felt that if I was to live it would always have to be under the auspices and authority of being something for someone else. That if I was not somebody’s somebody or somebody’s something that somehow or someway I wouldn’t find the capacity to be enough. And this might have been my major depressive disorder speaking, but I went on to find theoretical understandings that supported the belief. There was also evidence in psychology and sociology consistently supporting the claim that sociality, or put differently, the Other rather than being an infringement on the I that I am was in fact the support system for the potentiality of my being. This is communism as the precondition to the validation of one’s own incapacity to validate oneself. This is socialism as the mask of self-hatred. But recently, I have been forced to confront this part of myself. I have seen buried within my seeming togetherness, the nucleus of my falling apart. There are so many reasons to die for and oftentimes not enough to live.

Rose 2

There are some people you meet who leave an indissociable impression on you and yet, there is nothing in your lexicon or grammar to explain why. Their presence lingers like a ghost on your skin or a coat of milk on your tongue. This is for encounters that come and go. Encounters that leave an insatiable sense of emptiness once they are over. Encounters that feel as if the entirety of your existence could have been explained by having met that person at that moment for that second. The people we meet, the memories we possess, and the moments we share, evaporate in thin air all the time. We just couldn’t keep the information stored. We just couldn’t keep track of that aspect of the data. And yet, there are certain ephemeralities that feel eternal. There are certain finites that are spectrally infinite. What to make of these more than human matters? Are we to suggest that this is evidence to what others have previously described as spirit/as energy/as vibe? Is this the effect of the affect of the Other? Or perhaps, this is part and parcel of what it means for me to exist with a borderlined personality. There is an indissociability in my being that is attached, emotionally, intensely, disproportionately to that of another. This attachment exist for those that come and go, too. Those who promise to stay and leave and those who stay too short to make promises. And sometimes it is I, that leaves, that deserts, that abandons, that forgoes and forgets, and sometimes it is I, that lingers on the flesh of another as an ever-burning question of return. To be a beautiful haunting, an irrepressible memory, is another name for injustice and violation. To encroach upon the sanctity of a mind as that which may never leave nor come, as that which fails to arrive nor depart. To toe the line of an irrecuperable loss that is here, that is home… that is hell. Hell is where you stand on the borderline.

Rose 3

There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave. There are certain questions that go unanswered. There are certain questions that never leave.